Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the
light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic
session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down… and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
pleasure device… a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

“You impotent bastard,” She screamed at him, “how could you be lying to me
all of these years?

You better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

“I’ll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids.”

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“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’am. Could I see your drivers license?”

“What’s a license???” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

“It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. “Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop.

“Registration….. what’s that….?” asked the blonde.

“It’s usually in your glove compartment.” said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

“I’ll be back in a minute.” said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?”

“Yes.” replied the officer

“Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher

“Uh… yes.” replied the cop.

“Here’s what you do.” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.”

“What!!? I can’t do that. Its… inappropriate.” exclaimed the cop.

“Trust me. Just do it.” said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs….. “Ohh no… not another breathalyzer……”

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Doctor: What was your dream about?
Blonde: I was being chase by a vampire!

Doctor: (giggles quitely) So… what is the scenery like?
Blonde: I was running in a hall way.

Doctor: Then what happened?

Blonde: Well that’s the weird thing. In every single dream, the same thing happened. I always come to this door, but I can’t open it. I keep pushing the door and pushing the door, but it wouldn’t budge!

Doctor: Does the door have any letters on it?
Blonde: Yes it did.

Doctor: And what did these letter spell?
Blonde: It said “Pull”

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“Negative, ma’am,” says the sergeant major. “Just serious by nature.”

“You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”

“1955″

“you really need to chill out and have yourself some fun. I mean, no sex since 1955!”

“She takes him to a private room, where she proceeds to “relax” him several times.

Once done she says, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”

The sergeant major, glancing at his watch replies, “I hope now -it’s only 21:30 now.”

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She writes…

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a “Honk If You Love Jesus ” bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting; so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I’m glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is…

And I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there,

The guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, “For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!”

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a “sunny beach”… I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I’ve never met anyone from Hawaii; so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing… why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared; so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Grandma

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There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out: “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.”

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed.”

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The guy says: “Any man would be as bad if they’d just had sex with the woman in my car. She’s insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can’t.” “Where’s your car?” the landlord asks. “At the roadside,” the guy gasps.

“Tell you what,” says the landlord, “you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place.” “Be my guest,” the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It’s totally dark, so the woman doesn’t realize she’s with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there’s a knock on the window. It’s a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. “What’s going on here?” he asks. “It’s all right, officer,” explains the landlord, “She’s my wife.” The officer replies apologetically, “Oh, sorry sir, I didn’t realize.”

Looking at the woman, the landlord says, “Neither did I.. til you switched on that damned light.”

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“Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.”

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis… fifty times.”

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A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said:” I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you must feel terrible.” Joe replied; ” Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn’t so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle!”

THE OLD LADY FAINTED.

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The commander asks the first soldier, a special forces commando, how he can measure him up. “I’ll have the top of my head, to the tips of my toes, sir!” replies the man of war. “Excellent,” says the commander, that’s “70 inches, so here’s 7000 pounds.”

Secondly a marine states that he will have the tip of one arm outstretched measured to the other outstretched. “Excellent,” replies the commander after measuring the marine, “75 inches, so that’s 7500 pounds.

Thirdly he asks the explosives expert. “I’ll have measured the tip of my d*** to he end of my balls sir!” The commander is a little taken aback by this but agrees, and after several seconds down in the private’s privates he snaps back up saying “Where in Christ are your balls soldier?!”

The sodier smiles at him and says “Falkland Islands sir!”

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