ROFLs

*Warning: Girls should not read beyond this point!

Marriage. The divorce rate as of now is nearly 67%. That is an unacceptable conflagration folks. That means every 3rd person to reply on this topic is possibly going to be divorced. So it comes to a point where you got to ask yourself: Why get into a marriage your not even 100% sure it will work out? Here is what my extensive research and analysis has produced. Five conclusive reasons that will have you convinced and telling your fiance the marriage is officially off.

1. Women are evil
Yes it is true. There is a reason why the quote, “no scorn such as that of a woman’s” is spewed from every corner of the world. They are uncontrollable beasts and we men are their fodder. For example, my father, believe it or not, use to be a wild child, a real bad boy in his day. He used to be free, like the American eagle, high spirited and invincible. That was until my mother came along, innocently just like the rest of them, but with the same weapon: the viper’s venom. One bite and my father instantly fell under her spell. Now all I see is my dad coming home every night from work at exactly 8:00 P.M., broken down and his spirit diminished. It’s quite pathetic indeed, as my dad cowers in fear of any nags that will inevitably come out of my mother’s mouth. She rules with what we call a tyrannical fist in my family. If we are the Backstreet Boys, then surely she is the N’Sync. We cannot possibly compete.

2. Women are devious.
I honestly do not know how girls do this, but we are thoroughly fooled every single time by their clever ruses. Every marriage begins the same: The honeymoons, the undeniable romance, the sharing of one milkshake with one straw, the dancing to old classics you never heard of. And when you get home, your still so lovey dovey, you feel you want to do anything for your wife. What we don’t realize is that they are already over the lovey dovey phase, in fact, they were only pretending to like you on the honeymoon. Remember when she laughed when you farted? All lies, she really abhorred it. Their true purpose is to strap us down and brainwash us to do their bidding. It’s in their blood to be evil. Want proof? Ever since the beginning of time, it was Eve who tricked Adam into eating the damn apple that got him kicked out of his pimped out crib. Needless to say, Adam was the first example of the term pussy whipped.

3. Our lives will be ruined.
Believe it or not, the movie industry subliminally already exemplified the extent of a woman’s evil ways. Best example? A Walk to Remember. I cannot tell you how annoying it was to hear girls cry as I watched it with them; even on the 15th time it still has the same effect. That made me suspicious. Shouldn’t they have memorized the movie by now, thus wearing off the emotion? So at the 16th time, I actually paid attention and decided to watch. My eyes grew big of amazement of what women were able to trick us into thinking. The movie, as everyone knows, is about a girl who has cancer but “supposedly” falls in love with a bad boy in high school. But at the first time they meet, she tells him not to fall in love with her, as if he was even interested (how conceited), it was a lure as well, basically pointing at her body and saying, “you can’t get any of this HA HA HA!” (Typical girl behavior). Of course that would attract the bad boy to the challenge and predictably so, he falls in love with her. But guess what? She tells him she has cancer after he tells her he loves her. So before its even their 2 week anniversary, she dies (laughing inside her head of how she tricked an innocent little boy into loving her). Now he was left heart broken and crushed, and the movie ends showing his life as an emo doctor. I leaned back on my couch, and just stared at the credits. Snookered. Tricked. Bamboozled. That’s what it was. I focused my thoughts through the ear-piercing fake screaming and crying of the devil girls sitting with me. Tricking the guy into loving her just so she can bomb the news of her timely death. If that is not the epidemy of all evil, honestly folks, I do not know what is.

4. No more freedom.
Everyone knows games, sports, and regrettably, girls are the foundation of a man’s life. Ironically, girls=no life. Do not attempt to persuade me otherwise. I read the topics in this forum such as, “My girlfriend said I spend more time on games then her,” or “she broke up with me cause an accidental porno pop-up came up.” The truth is you spend time with her everyday (which is more then enough) and it really was a pop-up (you wouldn’t watch such things..duh?). Also, hanging out with your homies is important no? Yet if we are married, it becomes a luxury. No more beer parties, Monday night football, it’s to come home and give a light meaningless description of your day at work. Your suffering and misery satisfies and pleases her. She rejoices and dances in your tears and sweat.

5. She is going to win all battles and fights.
A true fact. There are no questions asked between married couples. Her way or the highway, quite literally. Even though YOU paid for her car, her make up, the house, the tampons, and her plastic surgery, it is YOU who ends up outside with a suitcase after a fight. Don’t let the media delude you into thinking women are reasonable and rational creatures. Today at school (a fairly justified example):

Girl: Hey Andrew
Me: Um.. hey. ( I give her a weak little wave)
Girl: Wth was that? You either wave at me or you don’t. You look like a pussy waving your hand half way. LOL.
Me: Oh yea.. ok I’ll work on that. Um I got to go.
Girl: Um, i thought we were going to spend the lunch together.
Me: I just realized I can’t. I have a science test I have to make up.
Girl: Are you an idiot? I’m in your science class. We haven’t had a test for 2 weeks
Me: (I slap my forehead.. THINK Andrew THINK!) Um, yea i was kidding. So what are we doing for lunch? Nothing painful I hope.
Girl: Yea that’s what I thought. Lol Andrew your going to be my ho today ok? (giggles like a maniac)
Me: hehe..wasn’t I always?
Girl: Shut up! (slaps my butt)

A monster indeed.

I know for a 100% fact that even though this topic clearly stated, “No girls allowed,” several girls sneaked in only to realize that their long kept secret has been finally found out. Yup, that is right. Thought no one would find out about your evil plans did ya? Well I did, and I will expose it all.

Remember kids, say no to commitment. Have a nice day.

5 Reasons Why We Shouldn’t Get Married

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